All about Dutch

Ha, ha! Just read this funny conversation in the online edition of The Hindu (one of the world's digital newspapers I read every day, of course). I would like to know what is so terribly wrong with the reputation of the Low Countries and my beautiful mother tongue. Can anyone please explain it to me? Don't worry, I am an 'out of this world' Dutchman, so it is almost impossible to offend me.

And why on earth didn't we reach the final of the Eurovision song contest? I couldn't care less to be honest, but my daughters Sosha and Pascalle are very disappointed by this European decision. I guess we will all vote against the European constitution to get even with all of you! That's what you get for messing with the Dutchies!

And this is the funny conversation I just referred to:

All about Dutch

"YOU REMEMBER the surprise physics test I had last week"
"Who can forget? You kept complaining about how tough it was and..."
"...I know, I know! Believe it or not, I ended up getting a hundred!"
"And I am a Dutchman!"
"You are not a Dutchman. You are an Indian."
"I know that! When someone says something and you respond by saying 'and I am a Dutchman' or 'then I am a Dutchman', it means.."
"...it probably means that you don't believe what the person has said."
"Exactly! Tendulkar is coming to my place for lunch. He.."
"..oh yeah? Then I am a Dutchman!"
"Good. If that painting is M. F. Hussain's, then I am a Dutchman."
"O.K. I think I understand. Are you ready to go"?
"Go? Go where"?
"To see the Harry Potter movie, of course. Didn't we decide on that yesterday"?
"To tell you the truth I've forgotten all about it. Can I take a rain check? I am just not in the mood to see a movie today."
"Why? A bad day at the office"?
"Terrible day. I am in Dutch with my boss. You see."
"..what did you say? You are in Dutch with your boss? What does it mean"?
"When you are in Dutch with someone, it means you are in trouble with that individual. For example, Geetha is in Dutch with her parents for losing her bicycle."
"I try not to get into Dutch with anyone. How does that sound"?
"Pretty good. But the problem is you are in Dutch quite a bit."
"That's true. Why are you in Dutch with your boss"
"I was unable to find some report that he was looking for."
"Is he planning to fire you"?
"No, but he spoke to me like a Dutch uncle."
"Is your boss Dutch or something? Everything associated with him is Dutch."
"No, my boss is not Dutch. When someone talks to you like a Dutch uncle, he talks to you very frankly."
"In other words he lectures you till you feel like a chewed up blotting paper."
"Guess you could say that. But not many people use blotting paper these days."
"You have a point there. My neighbour lectures me like a Dutch uncle every now and then."
"Shruthi complains that her husband behaves more like a Dutch uncle than a husband. He is forever telling her..."
"...but isn't that what husbands are supposed to do? I mean..."
"...no comment."
"Looks like your favourite actress is in the news again."
"Yes. She tried the Dutch act again."
"Another expression with Dutch! Have you been eating a lot of Dutch chocolates or something"
"You know I don't like chocolates."
"That's true. Anyway, what does 'Dutch act' mean"
"It means to commit suicide."
"Good lord!"
"When someone takes the 'Dutch cure' or 'tries the Dutch act' he/she commits suicide. Or at least tries to.."
"..in our country many children take the Dutch cure when they fail in a Board exam."
"That's true. Young brides also try the Dutch act when their in laws begin to pester them for more dowry."
"There are many people who try the Dutch act repeatedly. They are not always successful."
"If you try the Dutch act and fail, then you are in Dutch with the police."
"That's a good sentence."
"So are we going to the movie or not"?
"Not today. Maybe on Sunday."
"Well in that case, we won't be going Dutch. You are going to pay."
"It's a deal!"
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